Given the rapidly approaching exams of DOOM(!!!!), I would like to give you guys a brush up of what we learnt this year– a “HSC 101” so to speak, in essentially 5 minutes.
So what exactly did I learn this year? After months of revision, litres of sweat, kilograms of weight gain, hours of observing bogans at the library, it has all come down to this:
1. English:
As You Like It – stalking at its best as two hormone-driven girls foolishly follow a buff guy into the dark, mysterious forest. Touchstone falls for some buxom blonde who is synonymous with Borat’s sister, and miraculously, Rosalind’s cousin becomes romantically attracted to Orlando’s brother. Then there’s Jacques, who wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every morning and contemplates life in the gloomiest manner imaginable. Thankfully all ends well, with the only exception being the melancholy Jacques, who stubbornly enough remains enveloped in his sorrow and his bleak outlook on life.
Persepolis – the autobiography of an Iranian girl who lived through the Cultural Revolution. Spatial relations were strained as she, as would most rational-minded individuals, realized that Khoemini was a raging maniac who legalized the possession of more than 2 “temporary” wives purely for pleasure as well as sexual intercourse with animals. She escaped to Vienna but was further crippled by multiple love affairs, particularly her relationship with Marcus who woke up the next morning and went “yup, now I’m definitely sure that I’m gay.”
Frankenstein – an ambitious young man is overcome with his insatiable thirst for success brews up some random concoction in an attempt to reanimate life. He hits the jackpot when some dead corpse rises from the dead and gazes lovingly into his eyes. The scientist at the mere sight of those yellow eyes suddenly experiences a paradigm shift of the century and decides that he longer has the will to live. He mopes about his pathetic existence for the remainder of the novel.
Blade Runner – Harrison Ford takes a break from Chewbacca to shoot some plastic humanoids. LA 2019 is transformed into Eastwood as Japanese billboards and Asian eye manufacturers become a common occurrence. Ford attempts to enchant a snake lady and finds great amusement in origami, while Roy transforms into Jacob Black and sprints around the complex while howling like a bloody wolf. Roy eventually regains his composure in the rain and describes himself as a fiery angel that fell from the sky. Yes...
“Triste Triste” – Harwood is torn between her personal aspirations and domestic duties. She proceeds to equate the beauty of artistic expression to Christ’s resurrection and sexual intercourse. Christians are outraged, radical feminists rave on about gender inequality and Zac boldly asserts in his essay “this reflects Harwood’s dissatisfaction with her sex life”, pissing off Rutherford in the process.
“Violets” – the intoxicating scent of violets induces hallucinations of one’s childhood. A little kid weeps in contorted agony as time is stolen away from her. A reality check subsequently takes place as she realises that, unless you can build a time-machine, yearning for the past is completely futile.
The Fiftieth Gate – Baker experiences an epileptic seizure while writing, leading to the novel’s schizophrenic structure that renders comprehension a difficulty. The infusion of “fecks, fecks,fecks” with“ dramatic recreations” fails to generate interest as periodic micro-sleeps occur on behalf of the reader. Winner of the Dullest English Text Award.
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MATHS:
Complex numbers are indeed complex and imaginary numbers exist despite its imaginary nature. Newton’s Law can fail and V v T t r g U all possess numerical significance.
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Economics:
Economic growth is enshrined and worshipped like there is no tomorrow. Inflation is the big bad wolf that ruins the party, and CAD is as persistent as your ex-girlfriend who never stops calling you. Monetary policy can help to confine the big bad wolf but hey, a GFC can destroy the bloody animal.
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Modern History:
We never learn from past mistakes. Let’s prove by mathematical induction for all positive integers n.
Prove true for n=1.
World War I -
Step 1: Courage and stupidity are on display as soldiers go “over the top” with their bayonets.
Step 2: soldiers are decimated by the clear superiority of machine guns.
Step 3: repeat step 1.
:. True for n=1.
Assume true for n = k.
Now prove true for n = k+1.
Russia and the Soviet Union –
Step 1, 1917-21: life is atrocious for peasants. The state forcefully takes all of their produce and exports it to foreign countries while they are left to rot. Peasants complain ceaselessly and demand for more land.
Step 2, 1921-1927: a nice change up delivered by Captain Vladimir Lenin with his tricky free-market manoeuvre. Peasants are now happy boffins as they can earn a living by selling surplus grain on the market to feed their family.
But wait, doesn’t that mean capitalism > communism? Surely that cannot be true.
Step 3, 1927-1937: repeat step 1.
:. True for n = k+1.
Hence by mathematical induction, we never learn, do we?
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And then there’s the Cold War:
US: - points all its missiles (ICBMs, SLBMs, IRBMs, BRBMs etc) towards the USSR –
USSR: - directs all its missiles towards the US –
US: launch it and I’ll destroy you.
USSR: come the fuck at me.
US: I’m. About. To. Press. The. Button.
USSR: likewise.
US: - inches closer–
…
..
- and closer –
USSR: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT CALM YOUR FARM. Let’s negotiate.
I think the highlight of the Cold War is without a doubt Boris Yeltsin. This man is quite the character I must say. Let’s take a look at his finest moments:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-z9wfueMAw
If he was a mean drunk, the whole world would’ve disintegrated into radioactive wasteland.
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And with that, I shall bid you farewell for now. Good night, and good luck.
PEACE!
